


The Villains On My List

by KisaraMoriarty777



Series: Tell Me What You're Scared Of (TMA Series) [8]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Backstory, Betrayal, Bullying, Comfort, Dark, Doctor David being Doctor David, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gaslighting, Humiliation, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I hate Doctor David, Invalidation of name, Invalidation of past trauma, Name-Calling, Other, Past Abuse, Past Violence, Physical Abuse, READ NOTES BEFORE READING STORY PLEASE!, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Situational Humiliation, The Distortion just being really comforting and sweet, Therapy, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:02:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27944999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KisaraMoriarty777/pseuds/KisaraMoriarty777
Summary: Statement of Liana Rasen, regarding her first encounter with an entity.Statement taken directly from subject.Statement taken by Elias Bouchard, head of the Magnus Institute.Statement begins:
Series: Tell Me What You're Scared Of (TMA Series) [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1894333
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is much, much darker than any in the series so far and has many, many potential triggers, as well as light spoilers for Mag 26 and beyond, and especially for Mag 177 and beyond. 
> 
> Please look at the tags of this story and think about how these triggers may affect you before reading. If you have listened to Mag 177, please think about how Doctor David's character and his actions impacted you, and then evaluate whether to read this story based on that and the tags for the story. 
> 
> If you are a fan of the series but you do not wish to read this story, that is fine. All of the information related to the main plot will be recapped in summary without any of the triggering parts in the next installment. If you are not comfortable reading this story for whatever reason, please please please do not read ahead.

_How long have you been coming here? How long has it been since you first arrived at this dreaded place and since you first met the man with the shifting faces? How long had he been “treating” you for? Why had you come to him in the first place? How did you first learn of him… and how had you not learned the truth of him beforehand? All these questions piled within your mind, and all you wanted were answers. All you wanted were answers to the questions that plagued your every waking moment. He had put a block on those parts of your mind, and you could not see past that block…_

_Only… only you could now. Why could you now?_

_It didn’t matter why. You knew you had to take this chance to look back and remember. Maybe if you could remember why you had come there to that place, you could have something to hold to yourself. Maybe you could remember others who could help you. Could help get you out of there. Others…_

_Yes, there were others. There were. You remembered your mother’s smiling face as she called you back into the house during the winter when you would spend endless hours outside playing. You could remember your father’s soft blue eyes and a slight smile as he would wrap his arms around your mother’s waist and kiss her neck. You could remember rushing into the house, smelling the warm scent of miso soup and teriyaki fill the kitchen. You remembered the feeling of the soft leather chairs at the dining table, and the feeling of the cold spoon within your hand as you dove into your meal. You could remember your mother’s sweet voice._

_“Don’t eat too fast. You will burn your tongue,” she would warn you._

_“And then you will get blisters and talk all funny,”_ _your father would add, and then he would stick his tongue out and make sounds that would send you laughing into stitches. Your mother would roll her eyes, but you’d seen a ghost of a smile upon her face too. She would shake her head and her long, red hair would flow like fire as she chuckled softly. Your father would laugh a low, rumbling laugh that you could feel within your heart, and it always made your smile grow ten times as large._

 _Those were such happy times, you thought to yourself. When you were old enough to explore the backyard and snowy street in front of your house alone, and yet young enough to not have the pressures of the world upon your shoulders. When you would smile, and the world would smile back at you. Those times in your past when everything felt like sunshine and your mother’s gentle kisses. Those precious memories brought tears to your eyes and you wiped them away. Though you wished that you could hide within those memories, you were on a mission, and you had to get answers. Had to get them before_ he _came back._

_High school. You saw your old high school and saw yourself walking through the halls. You recognized your grey and blue backpack and knew that this was your first year in high school, for that bag had been destroyed by a few of the girls from your science class who you had accidentally insulted when you said the correct answer and they had gotten it wrong in front of the whole class. Was that when the bullying had started? It was still all so fuzzy to you. Maybe it had been? Maybe that was when Arisa and her friends had begun to torment you. Begun to tease you and point out all your flaws for all the world to see. When they had decided to their goal of the first year of high school would be to make your life Hell? You supposed that it really did not matter much when they had started, but it was the fact that they had not stopped until three years later when you finally decided to confide in your parents and push down the shame you felt about not being able to defend yourself better. You’d told your parents about the bullying, yes, but there were some parts about it you kept hidden._

_You had not told them about the ways that your eating habits had changed. You did not tell them that you stopped eating lunches at school. That you would bring them home and feed them to your dog, Scruffy. You did not tell them how you would cry yourself to sleep every night, or how you would pinch your skin so hard that it would bleed whenever you had to partner with Arisa during a project. You did not tell them how you could not stand to look at yourself in the mirror, for the words that Arisa and her friends would whisper into your ear and say about you behind your back appeared upon the glasses, written in thick red marker which only you could see. No, you did not tell them about any of this._

_But they had noticed. They had noticed when you stopped singing. Oh, you had loved singing, but after years of being told at school that you sounded like a dying horse, you had convinced yourself that they were right. So, you had stopped singing even just in front of yourself. You had stopped playing the violin as well, and the violin was the second love of your life after singing. You had dropped all clubs and teams and had cut yourself off, and they had noticed. Your mother had sat you down one day and had said nothing. She just pulled you into a tight hug and held you close. After a while, you broke down sobbing and hugged her back._

_“What is going on?”_ _she asked you, and too tired to fight anymore, you told her everything._

_You could remember the shock and sadness in her eyes as you told her your story, and you could remember the same look in your father’s sky-blue eyes. You remembered them both telling you that you deserved all the happiness in the world and that they would do anything that they could to ensure that you got the help that you needed. And though you were opposed to the idea of counseling at first (as you had hidden everything in for so long and it felt like too grand a step to confide in a total stranger), you ended up channeling the courage within you and agreed to go._

_You remembered looking around for counseling places that were in the area where you lived, and you could remember going through place after place trying to find the right match. You remembered trying with some and just not getting any responses, and you remembered the disappointment and sadness that would fill you when another place would say they were full. Your parents assured you that they would find somewhere, but after trying so many, you began to lose hope._

_That was until a small, residential mental health facility opened up within the city where you lived. It was located only a few blocks away from your house, and you remembered all the buzz around the city when the place was being built. You remembered hearing that there were supposed to be high-end doctors and nurses there and that this place was supposed to be the best mental health facility for miles. Who had you heard that from though? Surely not your family or friends. They’d never even heard of the place until you had brought it up to them one night at a time, and your friends hadn’t heard anything about it either. You remembered that from all the confused reactions when you told them the place that you were going to be going to get counseling. So, who had told you all that positive nonsense about the place?_

_You shook your head. There was no point trying to remember details like that. No point. Not when you had such little time. You could almost hear **his** voice echoing off the white tile walls of those never-ending, winding corridors that were outside of the room in which you were locked in. You could hear his twisted laughter and condescending comments as he made his way to each room, and you just prayed that you had enough time to remember before he made it to yours. You snuck back into the corners of your mind and hide there, trying to block out the world around you as best as you could as you returned to your memories. _

_The place had been called “Wonderland House”, and you remembered loving the name because you had loved “Alice in Wonderland” as a child and thought Wonderland House was just such a lovely and creative name. You remembered seeing the building through the tinted windows of your father’s Honda ST1100 ABS. You remembered the light green shade of paint which covered the outside of the building. Remembered the large glass windows that had spiraled mosaic patterns on them. Remembered the double doors which were painted a strange dull shade of yellow which made you feel uneasy for some reason that you could not quite put your finger on. You had tried to ignore this though as you did not wish to judge the place before you had gotten there._

_After all, the woman who you had spoken to on the phone had been so kind. She had told you that she did, indeed, have a spot for you. With the head doctor on staff, no less. She said that you seemed like a lovely young woman and that she was sorry to hear that you had not had any luck with other counseling places. But she assured you that Wonderland House was not like any other counseling center and that your experience with them would be very different. She told you that she could schedule you in for the very next day, and you had thanked her and told her that you were grateful for all her help. She had been so kind and so helpful, so you had not wanted to judge the place based on its exterior when the staff member you’d spoke with seemed like a gem._

_Your father dropped you off outside Wonderland House and asked if you wanted him to go in with you. You hesitated, but then told him that you would be alright. This was something you had wanted to do by yourself. Something that you wanted to have as your own. You were thankful for him for all the support he’d given you and for being there for you, but you told him that you would be alright walking in by yourself. Your father had told you that he loved you and wished you the best, and you watched the car drive off into the distance. You drew in a long breath before turning back to Wonderland House and waking up the marble pathway to the front doors of the building._

_The inside of Wonderland House was much different than you had imagined. You had pictured blank white walls, maybe a coffee machine or two, and a desk with the receptionist sitting there surrounded by nothing but empty counter space and her own thoughts. But instead, you found that the walls were covered with various paintings of what seemed to be Lichtenberg Figures and other spiral-like patterns. Some paintings had those spiraled patterns on trees or worked into landscapes, while others seemed to only be of those spirals or fractals. Regardless of what the focus of the image was, they all had bright colors that popped and seemed to jump off the canvases of the paintings. The colors made your head hurt and made your stomach feel as though it was doing flips, so you tore your gaze away from them. You did see the receptionist’s desk, but it looked nothing like you imagined. The desk itself was a bright violet color and had a design of waving blue and orange lines on it. The lines seemed to flow into each other and yet seemed entirely separate from each other as well. Every time you tried to follow one line, it seemed to randomly stop, and yet when it was in your peripheral vision, the line seemed endless. You tried to ignore this though and walked up to the receptionist with a small smile._

_“Um… hello there. I… I am here to see the head doctor,” you told her. You realized within that moment that you had not gotten the name of the head doctor. You could recall thinking that this was very odd, but did not have time to dwell on this for the receptionist looked up at you and gave you a bright smile. For some odd reason, the smile reminded you of the bright colors from the paintings. Not of anything within the paintings… but just the colors themselves. As though her pearly teeth and pink lipstick were somehow able to radiate those popping colors all by themselves. You knew that was impossible though, and blinked a few times to clear the thought from your head._

_“Ah! Yes! Welcome to Wonderland House! The doctor will be with you shortly,” the receptionist told you. You thanked her and then looked around the room for anywhere to sit. It then occurred to you that there were no chairs in the waiting room. No tables or magazines for those waiting for their appointment. More so than that… there was no one waiting. You were the only one there besides the receptionist, who had gone back to typing madly on her computer. You walked over to the corner of the room and stood there awkwardly. You remember feeling out of place at that moment. Feeling strange and almost as though the room itself was laughing at you. Mocking you for being such an oddity amongst all which felt in place there. You felt the urge to curl into a ball and hide away, but you thought against it. You did not want the doctor to see you curled up in a corner when they came out of the office. You thought that would be a rather embarrassing first introduction._

_You were not left waiting long though, for mere moments after contemplating whether to curl into a ball or not, you heard footsteps enter the waiting room and saw a nurse standing there. He was dressed in a purple uniform that had “Wonderland House Staff” written in big, multi-colored letters on it. He had long, straw-blonde hair that was wavy and looked both unkept and clean at the same time. He had bright blue eyes that reminded you of the sky on a cloudless day, and when he smiled, you felt all your fears and doubt melt away like ice when the seasons change from winter to spring. He said nothing, only motioning for you to follow him. You stretched a little and then began to follow the man with the straw-colored hair down long, winding corridors and hallways until eventually, you reached a door at the far end of one hallway. He gave you a little wink and you remember that you giggled a little at this. He seemed lovely, and you were glad that the nurse who had come to fetch you was so comforting. You opened the door to the room and stepped inside._

_You noticed that there was a merlot red couch in the middle of the room and that there was a little grey chair across from it. The walls themselves were a dull green and the floor was the same shade of grey as the little chair. The room smelt like burning hair and you scrunched your nose up at this. You tried your best to breathe through your mouth and avoid the scent, and when that failed, you tried to block it from your mind as best as you could instead. You sat down on the merlot couch and found that it was extremely soft. It sunk when you sat upon it and you felt as though you were seated on a cloud. Or perhaps on a mountain of cotton candy. You felt like you could have drifted off to sleep for you were so comfortable there. You fought the urge to sleep through and instead tried to prepare for what you wanted to tell the doctor. You gathered up all of your confidence and then spent your time taking deep breaths in and out, all while trying to ignore that awful scent. In the middle of your breathing routine, the door creaked open and you saw the shape of the doctor come into view._

_You remember that he had been about 5’7”, and that he seemed to loom over the entire room despite not actually being much taller than you were. You remembered that he had icy blue eyes that made you shiver as though you were on an abandoned ship within the artic. He had dark black hair that was gelled at the front and tied into a ponytail in the back. He was wearing a green t-shirt underneath his laboratory coat, and you noticed that, on his dark green pants, there appeared to be tiny little crimson droplets._

_You bit your lip hard at this. You could excuse away the strange paintings and odd designs. You could excuse away the overly complex structure of the inside of the building which made no sense compared to the outside. You could excuse the ice-cold look in those dead eyes. But you could not excuse those little droplets which seemed to stand out against the green of his pants. Your heart began to beat a mile per minute and you could feel your head going light. You felt fight or flight beginning its take-over, but then the doctor began to laugh and that stopped you dead in your tracks._

_“Oh, dear. Scared of a little paint, are we?” he joked, and his voice was sugary-sweet. It was nothing like you would have expected. It flowed like honey and made you feel as though you were floating. You gave a nervous little chuckle at this._

“Paint. Of course, it was just paint,” _you thought to yourself. How did you not think of that? It was likely just that he had been in another room and had gotten paint on himself. Renovations happened, you reminded yourself as you calmed yourself down. You were far too embarrassed to speak, so you merely gave a shy smile and shook your head. The doctor seemed to understand what you meant by this, and he smiled back at you._

_“No need to look so nervous. I understand why you might be, but I can assure you that here at Wonderland House, we are just looking out for your best interests,” the doctor promised you._

_“T… thank you,” you told him, not entirely sure what else to say._

_“You are most welcome. Now then, if you don’t already know, my name is Doctor David. I will be taking care of you for the duration of your visits to Wonderland House. And you are?” he asked you._

_“Liana. Liana Rasen,” you had introduced. You expected Doctor David to nod and smile and then take his seat so you two could move the conversation along, but you saw his brow furrow and saw him frown slightly._

_“Well, I don’t think that is how it is pronounced,” Doctor David told you, and this caused you to furrow your brow as well._

_“P… pardon?” you asked him._

_“Well, it says here that your name is Amelia Taylor, but I suppose in some… well, I will admit I have no idea how that could be pronounced as Liana Rasen, but to each one's own, I suppose,” he said._

_“I… I think there must be some sort of error in the scheduling. Maybe someone else was supposed to be here at this time?” you suggested, wondering if maybe you accidentally got booked at the wrong time, or if the other person had been booked during your session._

_“No, this is your time for sure, Amelia. I just don’t really understand what is happening here,” Doctor David replied to you. You felt confusion and frustration fill you and you shook your head._

_“I am not Amelia. My name is Liana. I think there has been some sort of mistake…” you had begun, but you were cut off when Doctor David sighed and threw his clipboard to the other side of the room. Had he walked in with a clipboard? You didn’t remember seeing him walk in with one… so… how did he have one now?_

_“Alright. I think I actually do understand what is going on, though I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here. But it seems that you are only taking that kindness and repaying it with silly little games,” grumbled Doctor David._

_“W… what?” you asked him._

_“You think that because I’m a new doctor on your case that I am an idiot? Is that it, Amelia? Oh, let’s see how far we can push Doctor David because I’m sure he is not qualified enough to handle my case. Well, I can assure you that isn’t the case. I am more than qualified and I would appreciate it if you did not waste my very valuable time,” he snapped at you._

_“I don’t understand,” you said to him. Doctor David gave an annoyed sigh at this and pinched the bridge of his nose as though he had a headache. As though you were giving him a headache, to be exact._

_“Do I really have to say it aloud? Fine. I will entertain your pathetic little fantasy just this once. You come in here and claim to not even know your own name. Trying to act like something really is wrong with you. I mean, don’t get me wrong, something is wrong with you, but it is not something with your mind. Not some sort of past trauma that you’ve cooked up in that imagination of yours, nor is it anyone else’s fault, though I am sure you tell yourself that, don’t you? Too weak to take responsibility for what you did? Hmm?” Doctor David hissed. You recoiled at this, shocked._

_You wanted to yell at him. To tell him that he had no right to speak to you that way. You wanted to tell him that you knew that what happened to you was not your fault and that you did need help. That you needed help to move on after what had happened to you in high school. After all the endless tormenting and pain. You wanted to tell him that those bullies were the ones that were responsible for your pain. That the bystanders whose watching eyes never left you alone even when you were in the comfort of your own house were the ones to blame too. You wanted to scream at him and tell him that he was no doctor. That he had no right. No right…_

_But part of you hesitated, because as ridiculous as his words were… part of you believed it. Oh, you knew your name was Liana of course, but that was not what caused the words to die on your tongue. It was the fact that you were not sure whether or not you truly did believe that those other people were to blame. You were not entirely certain that Doctor David was not right. That you really weren’t suffering from anything but an overactive imagination and from blowing things out of proportion. Maybe you were just doing it for attention? Maybe you were just making things out to be worse than they were? Maybe you really were too weak to see that it was really your fault._

_“Are you starting to see reason now, Amelia? Starting to see that I really only want to help you? Or are you going to continue with those baseless fantasies that you made to escape the fact that everyone just hates you because you are… well… you. You are just a horribly dislikable person and no one wants to be around you. I mean, why do you think those people were so brutally honest with you?” Doctor David whispered to you. Had you told him about the bullying? You didn’t think so… but now you were unsure what was real and what was in your mind, so you supposed maybe you had._

_“Those people… the bullies?” you asked. Doctor David stood up and walked in front of you. He paused for a moment, and then slapped you hard in the face. You shrunk back and whimpered softly._

_“Bullies? Oh yes, you would think it was bullying, wouldn’t you? Always the victim. Oh no! Don’t look at me! It was all them! They were just being cruel to me! Oh please. Give me a break. They weren’t bullying you. Stop making things worse than they are. Amelia, no one is going to love you if you keep playing the role of the victim when really, all those people ever wanted to do was help you. Help you to be a better person. Someone that people actually want to be around,” Doctor David corrected. And as much as you wanted to shake your head at this, you found yourself nodding. Doctor David raised an eyebrow at this. “Oh? What is that? Are you agreeing with me, Amelia?” he asked you. You nodded again._

_“Y…yes Doctor David,” you said to him. A small voice in your head tried to tell you that you were only saying that to get out of there, but you knew that was a lie. You were saying it because you agreed with him. Years of feeling like a burden and bother to others had caught up with you, and now everything that Doctor David was saying… it just made sense. It all made sense. After all, it was easier to think that it was all your fault. You were the common denominator in all of the events that had caused you pain throughout your life, and if it was your fault, then at least you could do something to fix it. Plus, maybe he was right. Maybe those bullies – no, those people – were right. Maybe they had a reason for doing what they did, and you just made the whole thing worse in your head. It was possible, wasn’t it? And Doctor David… well… he was an expert. He was a doctor, and he knew what he was doing. He knew what was really going on. Who were you to question him? You didn’t even really know what was going on in your head, and if what he said seemed to make sense to you… then why not? Why couldn’t he be right?_

_“Very good! I am impressed, Amelia. So much progress on the first day! Wonderful! I mean, you have ways to go and this is the bare minimum but at least you are not as much of a waste of space as I thought you were,” complimented Doctor David. You gave a little smile at this. He had given you such kind praise. You were making progress. That was good. That was what you tried to tell yourself, anyhow. Was easier than having to fight. You were so tired of trying to fight, and if Doctor David said he had the answer well then… you supposed he did._

_You could not remember the rest of the session with him that day. Could you ever remember it? You knew that you had stayed, for you could remember leaving Wonderland House nearly an hour later. But… could you really remember at any point what happened during the rest of the meeting? You doubted it, for up until recently, you could not even remember your first meeting with him. It had all been a blur in your mind._

_What could you remember happening next? You remembered getting into the car with your father and telling him that all went well. You remembered him saying that you sounded off, and you remembered that you had lied to him and told him that you were just a little tired and just wanted to get home to rest. He’d ask you if you had another appointment, and you had nodded and told him that yes, in fact, you did. You had told him something about Doctor David, but that you could not remember clearly. Every time you tried, your mind was filled with spirals and jumbled words that bled into each other like running ink. You could remember telling him that it had all gone well and that you knew that Doctor David could help you. Your father had smiled at this and drove off back home._

_And so the cycle had continued like that for some odd years. For how long exactly, you could not recall. Time all seemed so meaningless to you. Just numbers and concepts made by humans that ultimately meant nothing. Not to you, anyhow. But you knew that you had been meeting with him much longer than you should have been. In all reality, you should not have met with him again after the first meeting and there was part of you that knew that. Part of you knew that he was bad news, but that other part that praised him and tore you apart like a pack of wild animals always won out and so you returned time and time to his office._

_And every time it was the same game. The receptionist would greet you with that honey-sweet smile and you would wait in that corner for the nurse to come and get you. The nurse would smile and would lead you to the room with the merlot couch, and you would wait there until Doctor David returned. But unlike the first time, you would wait there, kneeling on the ground. The spot where Doctor David had told you that you belonged._

_“You don’t deserve to sit like a human, because you are not. You are just a worthless stain that deserves to be stuck to the floor,” he had drilled into your mind, and you had learned that that was, in fact, your place. So you would wait there for him, and then he would enter the room. Some days he would kick you when he entered the room and other days he’d sit on the couch and force you to lick his boots clean. Sometimes he would merely grab your face and force you to the ground before slapping you over and over again, repeating how you deserved this. How you’d failed him and how this was all your fault. How everything that was happening to you was your fault. You would feel the salty tears pouring like waterfalls from your eyes and would see it as the little droplets mixed with your crimson blood and fell to the floor. You’d always whimper at this, but not from the pain. It was out of shame that you were making a mess on the floor. On Doctor David’s floor. You didn’t mean to make such a mess, but yet you always did. Every. Single. Time._

_But… that wasn’t true. There was that one time… that one time the never-ending cycle… had ended._

_You had arrived at Wonderland House and had walked into the building. The receptionist had smiled at you and told you to wait where you always did, and you had nodded and walked over to the corner where you normally waited. And then you had seen the nurse with the straw-colored hair, and he had motioned to you to follow him. You had stood up, stretched, and then followed him just as you always did. You walked with him through the winding and twisting halls and corridors and expected him to take you to the room at the end just as he always did. But then he stopped at a random yellow door midway through one of the halls. You stopped when he did and gave him a confused look._

_“I… I don’t understand. This isn’t Doctor David’s room. He… he will be upset if I don’t go to the right room,” you insisted. The nurse with the straw-colored hair gave you a sympathetic look that you’d never seen before from anyone at Wonderland House._

_“You’re not going to see Doctor David anymore, alright? I… I am going to be the one looking after you from now on. That is if you would like that,” he offered to you. You hesitated. He’d always been so kind to you, but you did not want to make Doctor David upset at you. You could not just abandon your treatment._

_“I have to see Doctor David…” you had begun, and then… then everything had gone white and you remembered hearing the nurse’s voice through the bright white light._

_“Do you? Remember now, Liana. Remember what he did to you… remember who he is and who you are,” the nurse had said, and then…_

“Do you remember now, Liana? Do you remember what happened to you? How you came to be a patient here? Do you understand?”  **he was asking you. You looked around and found yourself back at Wonderland House.**

**“W… what happened?” you questioned.**

**“I merely opened a part of your mind that you did not have access to. Now then, we do not have much time. I need to know whether or not you need a door,” the strange nurse asked you. His voice now echoed and sounded as though it came from every direction at once. And yet, it did not scare you. It comforted you. It felt as though he was everywhere around you, and that no one else could hurt you. That Doctor David could not hurt you.**

**“He… he was so mean,” you whispered, finally allowing yourself to speak those words aloud. Though part of you (the one which spoke in the voice of Doctor David) screamed that it was not his fault but yours, another part of you decided that that was no longer the truth you wanted to believe. As you looked at that bright yellow door and the nurse who was offering you a way out, you decided that you were not going to stay under the “care” of Doctor David any longer. So, you push away those doubts and those nagging cruelties and you nodded at him. “I do need a door, actually,” you replied. You saw the nurse smile an impossibly large smile and watched as he opened the bright yellow door with hands that had fingers which stretched on and on with seemingly no end. And yet, again, you were not afraid. You merely thanked him for opening the door for you, and he told you it was no bother at all. You then walked through the door and turned back to catch a final glance at Wonderland House. You could see Doctor David dashing towards the yellow door and saw the nurse (who now no longer looked like a nurse, nor like any other human you’d ever seen for that matter) close the door with an echoing laugh that reminded you of carnival music mixed with a blender. You could see Doctor David scowling and could hear him shouting words that did not sound like words at the creature who once was a nurse but now was not. And you giggled. For the first time in such a long time, you giggled. The creature with the long fingers and straw-colored hair gave you a gentle smile and then waved a hand, as though telling you to look in front of you. When you did, you saw an endless hallway much like the one in Wonderland House, only this one was distinctly different. It was filled with bright colors and mirrors… or paintings… you could not tell. But it felt warm, happy, and like home. It felt safe, and more so than that, it made you feel safe. Tears fell from your eyes as the realization hit you that Doctor David could no longer hurt you here. This creature who had brought you here had seen to that, and you were finally free to try and reclaim what he had stolen from you so long ago. You turned to the creature with a sad little smile and then rushed up and hugged it. It gasped a little at this, shocked by your action. But then the shock left and it hugged you back, careful not to hurt you with those fingers which were sharp as knives.**

“It is alright. You are safe now. I’ve got you,”  **it said to you. And there were no words that could express what you felt within that moment. All you did was sob and sob as the creature held you, and then after some passage of time that made no sense to you and never would, you fell fast asleep in its arms with a feeling of comfort and acceptance that you had not felt in such a painfully long time.**


	2. Hold On

_“Alana? Hello? Anyone home,” a familiar voice called to you. Your eyes fluttered open and you gasped in utter horror as you saw Doctor David standing there above you. You were strapped down to an operating table and no matter how much you thrashed about, you could not break the straps that bound you in place._

_“N… no. T… this isn’t possible,” you whimpered out. You could recall the image of the straw-haired figure who had saved you. You remembered how you had followed it through that bright yellow door and how it had taken you away from Wonderland House. You knew that it had freed you. You knew that. You…_

_“Ah. I see. Making up more lies, are we? What is it this time? Some nurse “saved” you from this place? Is it that routine again?” Doctor David muttered. You tried your hardest to fight the urge to sob, but your fear and despair was overpowering, and you let out a pained wail._

_“No. It… it took me out of here. It made me see that… that you…” you began, but a gloved hand on your mouth forced you to be silent._

_“That I what? That I am hurting you? What excuses did you make in your mind now for why you can’t just try and be better? Hmm? What is it this time around? Perhaps you think I am manipulating you. Or how about the abuse of power. Oh, that is a nice juicy one, isn’t it? Oh, Doctor David is abusing his power as my doctor, so I couldn’t possibly do what he said,” taunted Doctor David. You wanted to protest, but he kept his hand firmly placed on your mouth and you could only let out small whimpers and moans of utter sorrow. “Oh! How about this one here?! Gaslighting, or reverse gaslighting! Oh my. Quite a big word that is. Do you even know what gaslighting is, Alana? No, I don’t think so. Let me explain what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is defined as being the manipulation of someone using psychological means in order to make them question their own sanity. Now, does that sound like what I am doing to you? Hmm? What I am doing is telling you the truth. That everyone hates you and that they all see you as a bother. That is not manipulation, Alana. That is simply me telling you a hard truth. Let’s see the signs here… oh… look at this. Always thinking everything is your fault. Is that why you think I’m gaslighting you? Oh, that is pathetic. Truly, that is pathetic. Because I am not making you believe that. That is the truth. Everything is your fault and you are just awful. There is no excuse for it. Nothing you can reasonably blame for everything being your fault. It is just you being an awful and unlikable person,” grilled Doctor David. You felt tears spilling from your eyes and they burnt as they rolled down the bare skin of your cheeks. Doctor David removed his hand and wiped it along the side of your shirt._

_“Please. Stop being so cruel. I can’t take it anymore,” you pleaded with him. You were so exhausted. So defeated. Your little brush with freedom had given you such a sense of hope, and you could not stand being back now. It all seemed so much worse now. Everything he – no – you did. It all seemed like too much. You could not see a way out of this darkness._

_“Here are a few more signs, since you seem so insistent on saying this is some sort of gaslighting or reverse gaslighting matter. Hmm… what do we have here… let’s see… ah. Yes. Often wondering if you are being too sensitive. Well, I think we both know you are. After all, when friends talk about you behind your back or if people are criticizing you, you always feel the need to defend yourself. Either to someone else or to yourself. Instead of just realizing that what they are saying is valid and that you are the problem, you always make the issue about you. Oh! Here’s another one. Feeling like everything you do is wrong. And maybe it would be an issue for me to say that if it wasn’t the truth. But alas, it is. All you do is mess up time and time again. What was it you wanted to be, huh? A writer? Oh dear lord! You, Alana, are the least likely person to become a writer in the world! Your writing… mm, garbage. Utter garbage. I mean, how many times did you have to re-write that one school project. A creative writing project, no less. And that book you were going to try and publish before… would have flopped right away. I can promise you that. Everything you touch just turns to garbage, because you are garbage. You want to blame me because it is easier than just admitting the truth. That you are the problem and that you are just too damn lazy to fix anything about your life,” Doctor David reprimanded. You choke back sobs as you hung your head down in shame and embarrassment._

_“I… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” you apologized, meaning the words with all your heart. Doctor David scoffed at this, turning away from you and lighting a cigarette._

_“If you were really sorry, you’d actually try to figure your life out. But no. Instead you insult me by apologizing with no intent to change,” he sighed. You shook your head at this._

_“N… no! I swear I will change! I swear! Please!” you cried out. You weren’t quite sure what more you could do to change, but you were willing to do anything so long as you could ensure that you did not disappoint him. Doctor David took a puff of his cigarette and sighed again._

_“Do you really mean that, Alana? Truly?” he questioned, and you frantically nodded._

_“Yes! Yes! I swear it!” you insisted. Doctor David smirked at this and you felt your blood run cold. He threw the cigarette onto the floor and stomp it out before turning back to you._

_“Good. Then I need you to do something. Something simple, so I hope you can at least do that for me. When you awaken, you are not going to tell that annoying little pest anything, alright. It can mind its own business and play with its own toys, but you, Alana, are mine to break. I will shatter you into a thousand pieces and rebuild you into something grand. And I will be damned if that mass of spiraled broken shapes steals that from me,” instructed Doctor David._

_“Awaken?” you asked him, but before you could further voice your confusion, Doctor David moved forward quickly and dug his nails into your arm. You screamed in pain as his sharp, daggerlike nails dug deeper and deeper into your flesh. Not enough to draw blood though. It never was. It was just deep enough to leave a lasting scar. Tears poured from your eyes as you begged and pleaded with him to stop hurting you. You just wanted the pain to go away. You just wanted it all to go away. You just wanted to go away. You just wanted…_

“Liana! Liana! Liana!” 

**Your eyes flew open and you shot up from where you had been laying. Your eyes darted around the room, trying to get a sense of where you were. When you looked around, you noticed that the entire room was filled with strange paintings and mirrors, though you could not tell which were painting and which were mirrors. The wallpaper had an equally strange pattern to it. It was a mess of lines, circles, and unnameable shapes that seemed to mash together and be completely separate at the same time. While this might have caused many to feel nervous or afraid, it comforted you greatly and you felt tears of relief welling in your eyes. You turned to see the figure from before giving you a panicked expression. You gave it a shy smile and it smiled back.**

“I was worried about you. You were… you were crying out while you were unawake,”  **it informed you. You giggled a little at this.**

**“Unawake. I like that word,” you said with another giggle. It laughed along with you, and you heard the sound echo off the walls as though you were in a cave. You listened to the sound in amazement, and it seemed to notice this.**

“Does that not scare you?”  **it asked, and you shook your head.**

**“Not at all. I thought it was really cool,” you told it truthfully. It smiled sweetly at this.**

“Cool… I don’t think anyone has ever called it cool before,”  **it considered before shrugging and then turning its attention back to you.** “Back to the previous matter though. Are you alright? After… whatever was happening in your mind?”  **it questioned, and you bit your lip. You wanted to tell it that you were not alright. That your nightmare had terrified you and that you could not fight the creeping feeling that Doctor David was watching you right in this very moment. You wanted to tell it that you were so exhausted and so broken down from everything he put you through and you just wanted more than anything to be honest with him. But Doctor David’s “request” rang through your mind and you found yourself unable to speak the truth. You forced a smile and mirrored its shrug from before.**

**“I am fine. I was just having a nightmare is all,” you lied to it. How many times had you told that lie to people before? That you were fine. That everything was alright? How many times were you “just tired” instead of admitting that you’d been crying? You’d lost count at this point, but you knew it was enough that this lying came to you like second nature. It had fooled everyone too. Well… everyone before, for as you saw the creature’s brows furrow, you knew that it did not believe you.**

“Doctor David told you to say that?”  **it pried, and you turned away from it.**

**“N… no. It is the truth…” you began, but it cut you off.**

“No, it is not. I am the throat of delusion incarnate. I am the avatar of great twistings and of lies. So, I know when something is true, and when it is not,” **it informed you, and you felt tears filling your eyes.**

**“I can’t,” you whispered out, and you heard it sigh softly. It sat down cross-legged beside you and put its hands in its lap. You noticed that it had extremely long, painted fingernails that had various patterns and lines on them. They reminded you of the wallpaper at first, but then when you looked closer, you could see that the lines and spirals were shifting and spinning as though part of an optical illusion.**

“I know he told you not to because I know what he is like, but Liana… please know that he cannot hurt you here. He cannot cross my threshold, and even if he could… I am not going to let anything happen to you,”  **it promised you.**

**“Please. If you really know him, then you know why I can’t say anything,” you insisted, and it sighed.**

“Yes. I do. I know he’s made you think that you are not strong enough to stand against him. That you have nothing to fight for. But I also know that that is wrong. That you do have the strength to stand up to him, and that you have worlds and worlds of things to fight for,”  **it told you softly. You looked down.**

**“How could you possibly know that? You don’t know me. Not really,” you whispered, and you were not sure which you you were talking about. Was it the one that Doctor David wanted you to show to the world… or was it the you that was buried deep down?**

“Because I think we are not dissimilar, Liana. I think that you and I have more in common than you or I realize, and I think we can… help each other,”  **it replied to your questions, and you looked towards it with confusion in your eyes.**

**“Help?” you asked it, and behind that confusion, there was a little spark of hope. You liked helping people. Making them happy. And you wanted to help it. Wanted to do something to repay its kindness. So, if it had a plan in mind that could help it, then maybe you could see yourself opening up a little to it. After all, it would not burden it if the end goal was to help it, right?**

“You are not a burden,”  **it assured you, and you blushed.**

**“Did I speak that aloud?” you questioned, and much to your surprise, it shook its head.**

“No. Not at all,”  **it said with a smug grin.**

**“Then how…” you started, but the answer came to you almost immediately and you smiled softly. “You really do know him, don’t you?” you added, and it nodded.**

“Yes, I really do,”  **it agreed.** “As for the prior matter, I do think we can help each other. You see… I am not me. Well, not fully, at least. But I would like to be me. Not me me. But me,”  **it tried to explain, before blushing deeply and laughing nervously.** “Please forgive me. I… I’m not used to talking about myself like this,”  **it apologized, and you shook your head.**

**“No need to apologize at all. Talking about yourself… it can be really hard sometimes,” you comforted, and it chuckled sadly at this.**

“Yes, but at least you have a self to talk about. I… I am both who I am and not at all who I am,”  **it said, and you gave it a lost expression.**

**“I… I’m really sorry, but I don’t follow,” you admitted. You wanted to help it as best as you could and figured that the first step to doing that would be to understand just who it was and what it meant by… not being who it is and yet being who it is.**

“I am… I was known as the Distortion. Long before this time and in a way, I still am. But I am also now Michael. I did not want to be Michael. I never wanted to be Michael. Being Michael made me defined, and I am supposed to be utterly undefined. But now… now I am Michael and… and I do not like it. But… but I _feel_ Michael within myself. Feel that part of him… of me… still alive there. He does not wish to be me, and yet we are and are not each other,”  **it attempted to explain to you as best as it could. You took a moment to try to wrap your brain around this.**

**“So… you were the Distortion, and he was Michael, but then something happened and now you are Michael Distortion?” you summarized, and it hesitated before nodding.**

“Something like that. And not at all like that. But yes… close enough,”  **it replied, and you nodded at this.**

**“Alright… so… is there any way you can be… not Michael?” you asked.**

“I am not Michael,”  **it casually replied, not realizing how confusing that made things for you. You understand what it meant, of course, but its phrasing did not help make things less jumbled in your mind.**

**“I mean, to be fully not Michael. To have Michael no longer there,” you corrected, and a look of understanding came upon its face.**

“Ah, yes. I see. Unfortunately, no. When we were bound to each other, we were bound forever. Unless someone else finds my core and merges with me, but that is highly unlikely. Michael was the only one ever to do that, and even then… it was only with _her_ help that he did so,”  **it answered, and you raised an eyebrow at this.**

**“Her?” you asked, and you saw it shiver at this. Its eyes changed from the normal spiraled, bright yellow to a blue which reminded you of the early morning sky, and you understood that this was the more Michael side of it now.**

“Her name was Gertrude. Gertrude Robinson. She was… she was my… his… Michael’s mentor, when I… he… Michael was human. Michael used to work for her. Work with her. She was like a mother to him. He thought she cared for him. He trusted her. Michael trusted her and cared for her. And she… she left him to die. She left me to die there. Gave me a map and shoved me in there and then I… then I…”  **it began, and then tears began to fall from its eyes. The sobs reverberated off the walls and made it sounds as though a choir of children was all sobbing and screaming in unison. Or like a pack of wolves mourning the loss of one of their own. It was a sound that broke your heart and it took everything in you not to sob too.** “She was supposed to protect me. She promised she’d protect me. I just wanted someone to be there for me. On my team, you know? She said she was there to help. To help teach me. To help me grow,”  **it added.**

**“Promised to make things better. Help you get through stuff and figure stuff out. When times got hard, you were supposed to be able to turn to her for help. For support. You were supposed to be able to rely on her. She was supposed to help you become the person you wanted to be. You trusted him, and he betrayed you,” you ranted, and then you blushed deeply and looked down. “I mean, you trusted her,” you corrected, and it smiled softly at you.**

“You know, everything he said was nonsense,”  **it said to you, and you sighed.**

**“I want to know that. I want more than anything to know that. But… but I’ve believed it for so long and it is just… it is so hard to break that cycle, you know?” you admitted, and it nodded understandingly.**

“I know perfectly well what you mean. I used to beat myself up for what happened with Gertrude. Both the part of me that is Michael and the part that is not. For different reasons, obviously, but we both blamed ourselves. I blamed myself. Michael… he didn’t want to blame Gertrude. Wanted to believe it was all his fault. I wanted to keep Gertrude on that pedestal that I had put her on. Or, Michael did. I’m sorry. It gets all jumbled sometimes,”  **it apologized.**

**“You don’t have to apologize. My thoughts get all jumbled too sometimes,” you comforted, but you left out the part about having them be jumbled with the words that Doctor David used to tell you. The ones you’d gotten so used to telling yourself.**

“Doctor David is a monster. You should know that. He is a monster who does not deserve to take up a moment more of your time,”  **it told you plainly. You bit your lip at this.**

**“He’s not a monster…” you began, but it cut you off.**

“Yes, he is. And I am not talking in a metaphorical sense, Liana. Well… I suppose he is a monster in that sense too, but I mean literally. He is, so to speak, not human. Though, from what I’ve seen and experienced, there are many humans who can be monsters as well,”  **it explained. You gave it a confused and scared look.**

**“Not… human?” you whispered out, and it nodded.**

“Yes, that is correct. Doctor David is… well… I am not quite sure what he is. He used to be human before. Part of him, anyhow. As part of me was Michael, but never was Michael at the same time. So did he used to be David, but never was David at the same time. Do you follow?”  **it questioned, and you nodded as though you did so that it would continue on.** “Doctor David is an avatar for something known as the Spiral. The Being which both he and I serve,”  **it told you.**

**“So… you and Doctor David are both bound to the same being?” you asked it, and it nodded hesitantly. You realized that it was hesitating because it feared that you would judge it for this. Or that you would fear it for this. Both were, of course, legitimate concerns. After all, Doctor David was the source of most of your torment, regardless of whether you were willing to admit it or not, and so it made sense that it did not want you thinking that it was in any way similar to Doctor David.**

**But though you could have drawn that conclusion from the new information it had presented you with… part of you felt within your heart that you could never view it and Doctor David the same. While they might have both been connected to whatever this Spiral thing was, it had been nothing but kind to you. It had saved you (though that small voice in your head still snapped that you did not need saving and that you were perfectly fine where you were before) and confided in you. Trusted you, despite not knowing you well. And you trusted it, despite not knowing it well. In a way, you felt that it was more similar to you than to Doctor David. Both stuck within a situation that you did not wish to be in. Both feeling so alienated within yourself, and yet trying to find yourself despite hating yourself. Both trying to break free from a mold that was forced onto you by others. Yes, you felt within your heart that it was more like you than he, and you could tell the Distortion knew this well. It smiled at you, and you smiled softly back. But then you saw its smile falter and it looked down.**

“May I be honest with you, Liana?”  **it requested, and you nodded.**

**“Yes. Of course,” you assured it, and it sighed.**

“Avatars… we have to feed our Entities in order to survive, and in order to do so… we must draw fear from them. Draw out the terror and horrors of humans and give them to our Entities. If we do not… then we cease to exist,”  **the Distortion explained to you, and you realized what it was trying to tell you.**

**“Wonderland House… everything he did to me… that was to feed the Spiral then?” you gasped, and it nodded.**

“Yes. He feeds the Spiral and thus feeds himself through what he does at Wonderland House. It is a smaller extension of the Spiral, I will admit, but an effective one. His goal, you see, is to… reverse gaslight his patients. Make them think that they are at fault for all which has happened within their lives. Make them feel that they have no legitimate reason for feeling as they do. Though, I am sure I do not need to tell you what horrid things Doctor David is known for doing,”  **it acknowledged, and you shuddered as memories which seemed more like nightmares tried to press their way into your mind.**

_“Oh! How about this one here?! Gaslighting, or reverse gaslighting! Oh my. Quite a big word that is. Do you even know what gaslighting is, Alana? No, I don’t think so,”_ **rang Doctor David’s voice in your mind, and you fought the urge to let out a desperate, mulling sob. The Distortion saw this and gently placed a hand on your shoulder. It felt comforting and odd at the same time. It felt as though at any moment, its hand might fade into your shoulder and it would be like it was never there, and yet it felt as warm as the sun on a bright summer’s day as well. It made you smile.**

“What he did was reverse gaslighting, Liana. And gaslighting as well. What he did was meant to leave you in a state of fear and desperation. Something he could use to feed the Spiral and to feed himself and his ego. Either way though, what he did was wrong. That is what I am trying to say here,”  **it told you sternly, though it did not raise its voice even the slightest bit. You bit your lip hard at this. You felt as though you were being split in half from the inside. Part of you wanted to hug the Distortion tightly and tell it that it was right. Tell it that you knew it was right because that was what you were trying to say before as well. What you could never say aloud but knew within that hidden part of your heart. That he was toxic. That he was hurting you, and that no matter what you did, it would never be good enough for him because he would always just want more and more. But though that part of you knew, there was still the part of you that remained trapped within Wonderland House. The part of you that had never, in truth, left there, and the part who clung to Doctor David’s words like the lifeline it believed them to be. That _you_ believed them to be. And that part of you won out in that moment.**

**“He was just trying to survive. He had to feed. And after all, it was the least I could do to repay him. After all, my therapy wasn’t costing me any money, so I had to pay for it somehow,” you attempted to lie to it, but your voice was cracking and shaking so much that you knew it would see right through your lies.**

“You did, Liana. You paid for it dearly. You are still paying for it now. And you shall pay for it for a very long time because trauma does not just go away. Unlike what Doctor David might have told you, trauma is something you have to work towards overcoming. It takes time to heal and overcome what happened to you. What likely is still happening to you within that mind of yours. His voice will continue to ring within the corridors of your mind. Continue to tell you all those nasty little lies he used to tell you when you were in Wonderland House. And there will be times when you feel as though there is nothing you can do to stop it. I will not lie to you about that. There will be times when you feel as though you just wish to let him win. As though there is no point in fighting it. But… but let me tell you this, Liana. It is worth fighting. It is always worth fighting. You are far too amazing, kind, smart, talented, beautiful, and caring to let him control your life. He has no right to you. No right to your heart, your mind, or your soul. You are your own being, and he cannot take that from you. Please know that. He cannot take that from you. You are far more powerful than you can ever imagine, and you are far, far stronger than Doctor David will ever be,”  **the Distortion lectured, and you felt tears flowing from your eyes.**

**“He just… he… I…” you began, but you could not seem to find the words to defend Doctor David anymore. The words which flooded your mind were no longer Doctor David’s, but instead, they were the Distortions. Its kind, sweet words rooted themselves in every corner of your mind and you let out a shaking sob. It felt as though a veil was lifted from your eyes when it spoke, and you suspected that it likely used some of its powers and its domain to its advantage in this instance. Whatever the reason was, you could not have been more grateful. For your heart felt ten times lighter and you felt as though you could simply let out what you needed to say. “It hurts. It hurts so much. I… I don’t even feel like I have a right to feel my own emotions anymore. I… I feel so lost, Distortion. I don’t know who I am anymore,” you sobbed out, and it hugged you tightly.**

“I know, Liana. I know. But please believe me when I tell you that you are going to be ok. I swear to you, Liana. You are going to be ok,”  **it whispered into your ear softly. Its touch felt safe, and you cuddled into it.**

**“I feel trapped. I feel so trapped within my own skin. Like I’m stuck in a prison I can never break out of and there is no key. He stole the key, Distortion. Took it from me and he won’t give it back. And now I’m stuck here. I don’t want to be here,” you cried. By here, you were unsure whether you meant within your own body or within your current mindset, but part of you felt you might have meant both. The Distortion once again seemed to understand this and it gently took your face in its hands.**

“I… I understand what that is like, Liana. To feel trapped within a body that does not feel… right. Does not feel like yours. To be trapped within your own mind as well. To long for an escape from yourself. From the awful things which you tell yourself about yourself. And for you, I would imagine, it is much worse. For the inner critic voice within your head is not just your own, but now echoes of his as well. You feel as though you are still within Wonderland House, for you, in a way, have become Wonderland House. Your body has, anyhow. Trapping you in there with Doctor David, only now Doctor David is not Doctor David, but rather the piece of him that you have kept with you. That sneering pesky voice which worms its way into the deepest corners of your mind. The one that takes all your self-doubts and shouts them at you through a megaphone. The one which screams at you that you are not good enough. When it speaks, you see him. You _feel_ him. And so, you feel as though you never left there, because in a way you have not. You are always second-guessing yourself. Never sure whether to tell the truth when it comes to what you are feeling, because of the fear that you will get into trouble for it. And because part of you still believes the lies which he told you. That part of you… it justifies what Doctor David does, doesn’t it? What he did, I should say, but also what the Doctor David part of you does now,”  **spoke the Distortion, and you could not help but nod.**

**“It… it does,” you replied to it, finally allowing yourself to speak the truth.**

“Liana… it will not feel like this forever. I promise that it will not. You are so strong and so brave, and I know that you can overcome this. And I will be there by your side every single step of the way,”  **it promised.**

**“I… I can’t ask you to do that,” you protested, but it shook its head.**

“You misunderstand me, Liana. You are not asking me to do anything, nor is it a burden to me. I am doing this because… because I want to,”  **it countered, and you looked down to the ground.**

**“But… why? Why are you doing all this?” you asked it, and a ghost of a saddened smile fell upon its face. You…**

~~This was a rather foolish move, don’t you think?~~

I suppose I should not bother asking how you got in here.

~~You could, but it would be a waste of time for both of us. And you do not need to ask why I am here either. That should be clear as well.~~

Yes. It is rather clear, though I am afraid I must inform you that your time has been wasted in coming here. I am not going to release her…

~~Yes, you are.~~

And what makes you so sure of that?

~~It is rather simple. My door is able to manifest anywhere that I will it to, regardless of whether there is a door there in reality or not. And while Gertrude might have been protected before from me… Jon is certainly not.~~

So then, that is how you are going to play it?

~~Yes, it is. Now then, tell me where she is, and I will be on my way.~~

No.

~~Did you not hear what I just threatened, Bouchard?~~

Oh, I did. I just find it hard to see it as a threat is all.

~~You think I won’t do it?~~

Oh no. I am well aware of your… vendetta against the Archivist, but there is one thing you are forgetting. While you might be able to get to Jon quickly, I am quite certain I can get to Liana much faster. Losing Jon for me would be bothersome, but I suspect losing Liana for you would be… what is the word… devastating?

~~You are a monster.~~

A little ironic for you to be calling me that, isn’t it?

~~Yes, probably. But that does not make you less of a monster. You would threaten an innocent woman for… for what? What do you want?~~

Well, since you so rudely interrupted me while I was… taking her statement, I think it is only fair for you to finish the statement off for her. 

I beg your pardon?

~~You heard me. Give. Your. Statement.~~

I… uh… ur… fine. Fine, Bouchard. I will finish her statement. But under the condition that you release the Mini Archivist as soon as this is over.

What?

~~I said that you will release her…~~

No, I meant what you called Liana. The… Mini Archivist?

~~O… oh. I… it is a nickname.~~

Why Archivist? She’s not Eye aligned.

~~No, nor does she want to be. It is just… she works almost as hard as your Archivist does. Organizing statements. Keeping things in check. And when she began taking statements well… the nickname just became… a thing, I suppose. It caught on, you could say.~~

Right then. Anyhow, shall we begin? Or rather, continue?

~~Of course. Ask your questions.~~

Why were you helping Liana Rasen?

Because she was like me. She was lost within herself. Trapped within herself as well. She was what she was, and yet she did not want to be. Doctor David had… trapped her within her own mind, and she needed an escape. And what better escape than unreality? When your own reality is what is binding you and tearing you apart, what better escape is there than to break free from the grasp of that said reality? What better route out than in?

But that wasn’t all, was it? That is what you told her. But not what you will tell me. You will tell me the truth. The whole truth.

I… I… ah… enough! Yes, I lied to her. I am the throat of delusion incarnate! What did you expect me to do? Tell her the truth? I’m sure you know why I could not do that.

Actually, I must admit that I am a tad lost on why you did not tell her the truth. It is a harmless enough truth, after all. Hardly the worst secret you’ve ever kept, but I suppose we are all entitled to our secrets.

Not under the Watcher.

Haha. Yes, that is true. Now then, please continue the statement from where she left off.

I gave her a small smile and looked down to the ground.

“Because of how you look at me,” I replied to her, and she gave me a confused expression.

 **“I beg your pardon?”** she said, and I sighed softly.

“You do not know what it is like to be feared all your life, Liana. To have everyone look at you with such hatred or fear every time they gaze upon you. Before… when I was not Michael, I did not mind it. I enjoyed it, rather. It was my goal, and it was who, or rather what, I was. It was what I was made to be. To be feared and to be hated. But when I became Michael… when I knew what it was to be loved and to have that warmth fill my soul… I knew truly what it was I was missing. What I was being robbed of. And suddenly… what never mattered to me meant the world to me… and yet I was still the same person I was always, only changed. That friendship and joy would never be mine. It would always escape me, for as much as I was Michael, I am still the distortion. I am still what I was before. And that… that is not something people can care about, liana. It is just a monster,” I explained to her. I was going to continue on, but she… she stopped me.

 **“But that isn’t true. You’re not a monster. You might not be human… but I know plenty of humans who fit the title of monster more than you do, Distortion. You might be different, but… being normal… it is overrated. Who wants to be just like everyone else? You are perfect the way you are,”** she told me, and I shook my head.

“No. I am not. I am a mess of lines and colors. A blur of realities and unrealities. I am what is there and what has never been there. I am a place, and yet I am a person. I am… I am… I don’t know what I am,” I sobbed, and then she wrapped her arms around me. She hugged me tightly, and I felt the warmth from her arms flood my soul.

 **“I will tell you what you are, Distortion. You are the being that saved me from Wonderland House. You are the being that has always shown me such remarkable kindness. You are the being who has always shown me a smile, and the one that has always been the soul kind face in that place. You are the one who, despite all the odds, got me out of there. You were the one that saw _me_. Really saw me. You saw past the false face and the pretend smiles. You were the one who saw that I was hurting, and you did something about that. You beat Doctor David. Outwitted him. You are the one who broke me free from there too. Yes, part of my mind might still be trapped there, and yes, part of me still believes what Doctor David said… but you went through the trouble of helping me. You went through the trouble of trying to get to know me, and you… you are so unbelievably kind. That is what you are. Kind,” **she insisted through tears. Her voice began to break as she spoke, and it was a sound that broke my heart like it was made of the most fragile glass. She looked up at me, and I knew she wasn’t seeing Michael. Wasn’t looking at the shell which was my body. No. she was seeing me. the blur of swirling distorted worlds. The frenzy of lights, colors, and sounds. She saw _me_ , and you know what she did?

She smiled. She just smiled at me. NO hesitation. No moment of being taken aback. No faking that sweet look on her face. No. it was a pure smile. The most beautiful smile I’d ever seen in my entire existence. To be honest… it is the only smile I’ve ever seen. No one smiles at me. no one. Not even other avatars. But she did, Bouchard. She smiled at me.

 **“You don’t have to hide who you are from me, ok? Never,”** she promised me as she looked at me. I felt impossible tears fall and heard them sizzle like static as they hit the floor.

“I don’t deserve your kindness,” I whispered out, and she shook her head.

 **“Yes, you do. I think you rather deserve all the kindness in the world. You, Michael, and the part of you which is both and neither. All of you deserve kindness, love, and understanding,”** She told me sternly, and I bit back a sob.

“Thank you,” was all I could say. I… I didn’t want to argue with her. Not because I believed her, mind you. I truly felt, and feel, as though I do not deserve the kindness which she has shown me, but because part of me _wanted_ to believe her. Part of me wanted to believe that there was a chance I could deserve the kindness of which she spoke. The one she was showing me and has continued to show me. and so, I just thanked her and watched as her smile grew.

 **“So… what do we do now?”** she asked me. she then looked down to the ground and I heard her stifle a cry. **“Do I have to go back to… to _there_?” **She breathed, and I shook my head.

“No. Liana, you are never going back there again,” I swore to her, and she sighed in relief.

 **“So, can I stay here?”** she wondered aloud, and I did not miss the excitement and hopefulness in her voice. I gave her a sad little smile.

“I’m afraid that is not possible. If you remain within the hallways for an extended period of time, you will surely fall into madness. Your mind will fade into everything and nothing, and you shall become nothing more than a screaming face within the mirrors of my corridors,” I informed her, and it occurred to me what an odd situation I was in. normally, I would revel in such a thought. That someone might become trapped with a world of their own madness and decay. But with her… I felt as though I did not want any harm to come to her. The thought of her face twisting with terror and pain made me feel as though my stomach was filled with acid and being eaten from the inside out.

 **“I wish I could stay here. That way, you wouldn’t have to be alone,”** she pouted, and I had to stop myself from crying again.

“I will be fine. I have been for many years. And have not been. But either way, it is simply what I am,” I replied to her, and she laughed at this.

 **“You have a funny way of trying to comfort people, you know that?”** she teased with a little smile, and I felt a tad bit embarrassed at this.

“I’m sorry. It is not something I am… used to doing, so I apologize if I am not that good at it,” I admitted, and she shook her head, the smile not faltering.

 **“No! It is ok! I think it is nice. It makes talking with you feel… natural. Like just another chat with a friend,”** she assured me, and I raised a non-existent eyebrow at this.

“Friend… are we? Friends?” I questioned, and she looked taken aback by this.

 **“W… well… I… I would like to be friends with you. If you want to be friends, that is,”** she requested softly. Her eyes then went wide and she put her hands up. **“I… if not, that is totally fine too! I would completely understand if you did not want to be friends with me!”** she stammered out, and I could almost hear _his_ words. Could almost see him standing behind her, wrapping one hand around her throat while the other pulls a string, controlling her thoughts, doubts, and fears as though she were merely some puppet that he could use and discard at will.

 _“It doesn’t want to be friends with you, you stupid little girl. It just took pity on you. Or maybe it is not even that. Maybe it was just fed up with all your lies and pestering, and it took you away so it didn’t have to deal with you anymore. Yes. That seems likely, doesn’t it? Because after all, who would willingly want to be friends with you? Who would put themselves through the horrible experience of being near you willingly? No. It is just either pitying you, using you, or just waiting until it can get rid of you,”_ I could practically hear him hissing into her ear, and the way she flinched away when I walked towards her confirmed it.

“Liana, it would be an honor to be your friend,” I told her with a warm smile upon my face. She looked up at me, and in a second, that fear changed into joy, and she hugged me tightly.

 **“Thank you,”** she mumbled into my chest, and I stroked her hair gently.

“You do not need to thank me. I don’t think friendship is something you thank people for anyhow. I think it is just something they give to you, and you give back, and it makes both of you equally happy. At least, that is what Michael thought happiness and friendship were,” I rambled, and I heard liana choke back a sob.

 **“That is a lovely description of friendship,”** she whispered, and I nodded.

“Yes. I suppose it is,” I agreed, though I had no idea whether or not it was accurate. From Michael’s experiences, I gathered friendships could be both painful and heart-warming, and I imagined that liana’s experience was likely similar as well. As for me as the Distortion… well, I’ve hardly been the most… friendly being in all of existence, but it Is hard to be so when you are the throat of delusion. The very embodiment of what is not and what has never been, and yet what is. That does not leave much room for love, kindness, or friendship. Or… it didn’t before.

But looking into her bright, joyful eyes, I suddenly knew what it was to want a friend. To want to have someone in your life who you could speak with. Who you could laugh with, or cry with. Someone you could trust and someone who would care for you. Care about you, regardless of what demons you had. I saw the pure kindness within her smile, and it made me want to make her smile like that all the time. It made me want to see her happy, and it made me happy as well. I… for the first time I knew what it was to have a friend who was _my_ friend. Not Michaels. Not the Distortions. Mine. Whoever… whatever I was. She was my friend, and through all the craziness that was my existence… she wanted to be my friend. And I wanted to be hers.

 **“I think I want to go home,”** liana said to me in a quiet voice, and I looked down at her.

“Are you certain that is what you wish for?” I asked, and she nodded.

 **“Yes. I want to see my family, and I want to let them know I’m… I’m… me. That I still have a long, long road ahead of me in terms of my mental health, but that that is a road I’m going to go down at my own pace. No more pretending and no more masks. I’m going to be honest with them, and I’m not going to give up on myself again,”** she told me, and she had a confidence in her voice that made me feel a surge of pride for her.

“Very well then. I will warn you that time works strangely here, so it might have been days or even weeks since you were last out,” I informed her, and she nodded again.

 **“Alright. I will keep that in mind when I head back,”** she replied, and I was the one to nod this time.

“Right. Then, in that case, I shall make a door outside of where your house is, and you can exit there,” I said. She let go of me, and then looked down.

 **“This isn’t goodbye, right? I don’t want this to be goodbye,”** she whispered, and I saw tears hit the carpet below. I knelt down and gently cupped her face in my hands, careful to ensure that my nails did not cut into her skin.

“No. This is not goodbye. This is just… what is it humans say… see you later? Yes, I suppose that would be accurate for this situation. It is a see you later, not a goodbye. Any time you need me, liana, simply knock on a door can call out for me. I shall be there,” I swore to her. She looked up at me through tear-filled eyes that broke my heart in half.

 **“How will you know where I am?”** she inquired, and I gently bopped her nose, causing her to giggle.

“I am the distortion. I know where everyone is who has crossed my threshold,” I explained, and she looked relieved at this.

 **“And you know you can come to visit me anytime you want to, right?”** she asked, and I nodded.

“Of course. Though, I should probably wait until you are not with your family. My human disguise is… flimsy,” I replied, and liana laughed when I told her this.

 **“In that case, it might be good if you let me know before you are coming over,”** she chuckled, and I laughed as well.

“Yes, likely so,” I agreed. We both laughed for a little while longer before sighing and letting silence engulf the room. It was she who broke the silence.

 **“Thank you, Distortion. For everything,”** she said, and I smiled at her.

“And thank you, Liana, for everything which you have taught me,” I said. And then without saying another word, we both decided that it was time for her to return home. I made a door in front of her house as I promised I would, and watched as she turned the bright yellow knob and opened the door to reveal the outside world. She turned back and waved to me one last time before shutting the door behind her. As I watched my bright yellow door squeak shut behind Liana, I noticed something she did not. The doorknob she had turned had changed from its regular dull gold to a brilliant blue that reminded me of the wings of a butterfly. The rest of the door remained as it had been before, but the doorknob had very clearly changed since she had turned it, and I could not help but smile at this.

 _“Perhaps we are more similar than either of us had imagined,”_ I remember thinking to myself, and then I turned away and returned to the center of the maze which I call my home.

And that is it. That is the story of how Liana and I first met. It is likely not what you were expecting, but it is the truth. Hahaha. I suppose that is ironic, considering what I am, but… well, she brings that out in me. The best, I mean.

I will admit that that was not what I was expecting, however, I suppose it makes sense. I did not expect her patron to be the Spiral…

It is not.

Pardon?

It is not the Spiral. She is not an avatar. Not yet.

_It is right, Mr. Bouchard. I’m not an avatar as of yet. I’m not tied to any Entity..._

Ah, Liana. How nice of you to join us.

~~Liana! Are you alright?!~~

_I’m ok, Distortion. I promise. Now, I need you to step back and let me handle this, please. I need to speak with my boss alone._

~~Liana…~~

_Please, Distortion. Trust me._

~~… Alright.~~

So long as you do not harm Jon, I promise no harm shall befall Liana.

~~I expect to see her shortly. Try and kidnap her again, Bouchard, and the deal is off.~~

Of course. Goodbye for now, Distortion.

Now that it is gone, I suppose it is rather important for us to… discuss a few things in concerns to how we should move forward after this rather enlightening experience.

**Yes, I suppose that would be best. But before we do… there is something I would like – no – that I need to request from you, Mr. Bouchard.**

Oh? What might that be?

**Don’t hurt the Distortion. Please. I know that my connection with the Spiral complicates matters, and I know that it might come in the way of my work with the archives, especially if I do become an avatar, but please. The Distortion has done nothing wrong. I was the one that lied to you. I was the one that kept this information from you and from Mr. Sims. So please, don’t take this out on it.**

I see. So then, Jon does not know about your little… friendship with the Distortion?

**Mr. Sims? N… no, I haven’t told him. I didn’t want to worry him. He is always so busy and has so much on his mind already, and I thought that…well, I didn’t want him to have to worry about me hanging out with a Spiral avatar. I know how he can be with… paranormal things.**

Yes. He doesn’t share our… common interest in the world of the paranormal, does he? Or at least our belief. I suppose that is likely because he has yet to have an experience of his own, but I am quite certain that will change in time. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

**An experience? You don’t mean being claimed by something, do you?**

Hardly. Jon has already attracted the attention of an Entity, and I doubt it will be breaking its connection with him anytime soon. No, I more meant along the lines of a more… physical encounter with an avatar. Something more… worthy of proving to him that all this does, indeed, exist.

**Wait… the… the situation with the worms. With Jane Prentiss. Did you… did you know what she was planning?**

Perhaps. Perhaps not. Tell me, Liana. How much do you know about the Fears?

**I know there is a list. 14 of them have been named and key traits of theirs have been listed there. I know that each has a ritual that they wish to achieve in order to get through, and that most have avatars to help them do this. I also know that there are some who are closer connected to each other than others, and some who are total opposites.**

And do you know which Entity the Archives and the Institute are tied to?

**Yes. The Eye.**

And what does the Eye represent? What powers does it hold?

**The power of knowledge…**

And there lies your answer to your previous question. Now then, I am afraid our time is running short. We will be interrupted very soon, so let us wrap things up here. I do not see the Distortion becoming an issue around the Archives, nor do I see your connection with it becoming an issue. You are not an avatar yet, nor are you particularly aligned to any Entity other than having a personal connection with one of its avatars. The only thing that does concern me is the Web’s interest in you, but the Web and the Eye have an… understanding, so I doubt that will cause any serious difficulties. Other than that… I suppose I can let the lie slide just this once. After all, you have been a very hard-working and loyal employee to the Institute, and I would hate to have to find another replacement for one of my staff. So, let us make a little deal. I will not harm you nor the Distortion so long as we keep this little meeting of ours strictly between us. How does that sound?

**I… what about the others? Will they be alright dealing with Jane Prentiss?**

They are a well-prepared group. I’m sure things will turn out just fine. Now then, I do need an answer. Do we have a deal?

**I… I… alright. Yes. I agree to the terms of your deal.**

Very good. Now then, about the Prentiss situation, I…

**Wait a moment… is that the fire alarm? Why would someone-**

_Elias! We have to get out of here now! It is Prentiss and her worms! They’ve infested the Archives!_

**Sasha?! Are you alright?! Where are Jon, Martin, and Tim?!**

_I’m alright. I managed to avoid getting… I avoided all the worms and somehow got away from Prentiss. As for the others… I don’t know. Jon and Martin were with me in some saferoom, and Tim… we were both in the hallways and then we got split up… and now…_

I am sure they are fine. Now then, Sasha, I am going to need you to calm down and explain to me what is happening out there. Can you do that?

_Yes. That is what I came here to do in the first place!_

Ms. James. I understand that you are likely very stressed, but please do try and remain calm.

_I… you’re right. It is just… you have no idea what it is like out there._

I’m certain I have no idea. But for now, we should get Liana out of here, and then you and I can have a chat. Does that sound alright?

_Of course!_

There is a door in the back room of the office. It connects to a hallway that should lead out of the Archives. Take that.

**What about you both?**

_We’ll be fine. Just get yourself somewhere safe, and we will be out in no time._

**I don’t want to leave you both in here.**

_I promise we will be fine. We’re going to help everyone else get out, and then we will join you outside. We will be right behind you. I promise. Everything is going to be ok, Liana._

Ms. James is right. The best thing you can do is get yourself to safety and help others gather safely outside. People will likely be frightened, and they will need someone to help calm them down.

**Alright. But please, be safe.**

_You too. We’ll see you soon._

Right. Now that she is gone, please tell me everything that has happened so far.

_Alright well… sorry… is that tape running?_

It appears so. Must have been Liana’s. Give me a moment, would you?

End statement

_ **Supplemental:** _

**I found this tape in a box outside of the Archives. At first, I thought Mr. Bouchard might have brought it out with him while making his escape, but upon closer inspection, I noticed that not only was my name on a label stuck to the tape, but it was also covered with cobwebs. I suppose this was their attempt at a gift. Either way, I am just grateful that this tape landed in my hands and not someone else’s. I… I would rather Jon not hear this statement. Not yet, anyway.**

**I… I don’t know what to make of this all. I don’t even know what to say about it. It has been such an eventful week, and while I knew life wouldn’t be easy being friends with an avatar… I didn’t think it would go like this. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have expected something like this to happen but… things had been going so well, you know? All the statements I’d taken… everyone seemed to be getting along. Sure, there were heartbreaks or dramas along the way but I didn’t think that… that someone would go so far as to attack the Institute. I just… I wanted things to work out like they do in the movies. And maybe that was foolish or stupid of me but… I just wanted Nikola, Jane, and Annabelle to be ok again. I wanted them to be happy. But… but that won’t ever happen now.**

**Jane died in the attack. I heard the news from Mr. Bouchard, who was apparently responsible for her death. They are going to burn her body so she can’t reinfest anyone, or can’t become reinfested herself. I know it is for the best. I know that she was going to kill everyone in the Archives, or at least infect everyone there… but… I can’t stop thinking about how much this will break Annabelle and Nikola’s hearts. I’m sure they know by now. With how fast word spreads amongst avatars, I am sure that they know. I can only hope that they can find the strength and support they need in order to move on. But, I suppose in a way, both already moved on a long time ago.**

**Jane’s death isn’t the only thing weighing on my mind though. There is also the matter of Mr. Bouchard’s involvement with the whole incident. How much did he know about Prentiss? How much did he know about her plans to attack the Institute? From our conversation before, it seems like the Eye allowed him to know at least a little bit of information about the Prentiss attack, but how much? And why not stop it? Why not at least try? Did he know that they would be able to fight Jane off? Did he know that everything would turn out alright? He seemed sure when he told me to leave the Archives, and there were no reported casualties, so maybe that is why? Maybe he did not do anything because he knew that the Institute and Archives would be alright. But still… that doesn’t explain why he would not let me warn Mr. Sims. I cannot see any negatives to having been able to warn Mr. Sims ahead of time. I keep running that moment through my head over and over again, but I cannot figure out why he would not let me warn him.**

**Perhaps him knocking me out had nothing to do with the attack? Maybe it was just that he suddenly sensed my connection to the Spiral and wanted to draw out my statement before the attack? Perhaps he thought I was with the Corruption? It is possible, I suppose. I do not know how the Eye works. Maybe it only gave him part of the information, and he was just doing what he thought was best to save the Institute and those working in it? According to Sasha, Mr. Bouchard used to be quite… scattered at times, and from what she said, it seems like he wasn’t always the best at planning things or running things, so perhaps he just panicked? I’d like to think that is all it was. Just a moment of panic and mixed messages from the Eye. Because otherwise…**

**No. I can’t think like that. If Mr. Bouchard was evil, then why let me live? Why let me and the Distortion go? The Eye and the Spiral have never gotten along famously well from what the Distortion has told me, so why let us both go if he thinks the Distortion might be coming back around to the Archives to see me? If the Distortion threatened Jon, which seems likely, then why take that risk? He did not have to do that, and yet he honored my request and our deal. So, he cannot be evil, right? Right?**

**I don’t know. I wish I had more clear answers, but it seems unlikely I will be getting any anytime soon. Either way, I am just going to be grateful for now about the fact that everyone made it out alright. Tim invited everyone out to drinks, and while I would normally kindly refuse the offer for drinks on a work night… I think I might just take him up on it. Might be nice to have a bit of a fun night out, and besides… with everything that happened today… I just want to spend some time with my friends.**

**I do have one last thing to report before I sign off. It will probably just sound like paranoid ramblings, and I’m sure that is all it is but… well… I’m worried about Sasha. Ever since the attack, she’s been… acting strangely. Something has felt… off about her. She’s always had such a warm and friendly aura to her but when I was there, standing next to her while they cleared the building out I… I felt _cold_. Like there was this ice to her that had never been there before. I don’t remember her blue eyes being that sharp or icy before. In fact… this probably sounds silly but… I don’t remember her having blue eyes. I… I could have sworn her eyes were brown.**

**I probably just need some sleep. It has been quite an eventful day, and I’m probably just exhausted like everyone else. I’m sure in the morning this will just seem like the rantings of some paranoid, sleep-deprived person who really needs to stop watching paranormal crime shows. Yeah. I’m sure everything will be better after some fun with the Archival staff and then a good night’s rest. That is what I want to believe but… but as I record this and as I am looking over at Sasha…**

**I swear it is like I’m looking at a different person.**

**_End supplemental_ **


End file.
